Love, giving and family are the heart and soul of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. It is a time much cherished because of the sense of togetherness that it fosters. However, this feeling of belonging and fellowship can be undone when families are divided through family separation or divorce. Making the best of the situation is quite difficult especially if both parents retain some bitterness and resentment. Despite this, it is still important to circumvent hostilities and place the priority on the enjoyment of the holidays, especially for the sake of children. Keep in mind that family separation doesn’t have to ruin your holidays. Here are a few strategies you can employ to manage stress levels and create a more enjoyable holiday experience for all.
I can’t say enough about communication as it is key to preventing unwarranted assumptions, false expectations, confusion, and misunderstandings. Since you are faced with family separation, it is important to agree upon how the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays will be spent. Will the children spend their time primarily with one parent? Or will they go between two households on the day in question? Making plans well in advance of Christmas and sticking to them will reduce contention and needless arguments during the period.
Ensure that all decisions regarding the holidays are adequately agreed upon. Collaborate and compromise where it is possible. Recognize that although the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays may not go exactly according to your own plans, the other parent also matters to his or her child.
Once a decision has been made both parties must agree to keep them. Leave no room for second-guessing and backpedaling. This will only lead to greater levels of resentment and unnecessary stress. Respect each other enough to know that you are capable of arriving at a resolution that will benefit yourselves and your children.
While no one can discount how you will feel over the holidays, it is sometimes necessary to place negative emotions on the back burner and focus on the positives of the situation. If you believe that the negative feelings have become too burdensome to bear on your own, seek the counsel of a friend or a professional to help you cope during the holidays. Do not unburden yourself by lashing out at your Ex or unwittingly involving your children.
Spiteful behavior hurts everyone. No one is immune to counterproductive posturing and manipulation. For example, if you have custody of your children for the holiday period but decide to send them away as a means of hurting your ex, understand that this will ignite hostility and also negatively impact your children who may feel that they are not wanted by either parent for the holidays.
If at all possible, shield your children from your personal problems with their father or mother. Do not, under any circumstance, coerce your children into disliking the other parent. Turning your children against their father or mother can easily backfire and cause serious psychological problems in the future.
Communicate to your children only the things they need to know. If daddy or mommy will no longer live with them, they must be told about this. If they will spend time with you this Thanksgiving or Christmas, and the other parent the following Thanksgiving or Christmas, then they must be informed of this. However, if you are unhappy with your Ex because he or she said some things about you to a mutual friend, this does not need to be shared with the children. Personal information that relates to either of you should not be divulged to children if it does not truly concern them.
Do not attempt to manipulate your children for your own personal gain. Let your children know that they are loved by both parents and stress the importance of maintaining a strong bond with both.
If you are not able to spend Christmas with your children, be sure to interact with them during the period by phone, Skype, facebook, Instagram or other virtual means. Knowing that you care enough to interact, despite physical limitations, will improve your relationship and secure the parent-child bond.
If you have bought a present for your child, focus less on the price and more on the meaning behind it. Be sure to attach a card or letter which describes how much you appreciate your child/children. Include a message that will resonate with him or her over the holidays.
If you make promises to your child/children be sure to fulfill them. Do not make promises you have no desire to keep. Let your children know how much you value them by doing whatever it is they expected you to do. Broken promises can easily transform the holidays into an unbearable nightmare.
Finally, provide positive support (financially, emotionally, physically) that will enrich the life of your child. Let your presence be felt, even if you are not able to be there. Family separation does not remove your responsibility to help your child/children become good well-rounded citizens. Remember to give thanks for everything that you have and surround yourself with positive and supportive people. Although your circumstances have changed, it is most important that you are able to realize all the positives in your life. Be happy for your children even if you cannot spend the holidays with them, and hope that they enjoy themselves wherever they will spend it. Put aside petty, destructive feelings and allow the splendor of the season to fill you with cheer. For more on positive mindset, see my article on Gratitude.
This holiday season, focus on showing love and sharing good tidings with all but first, begin with yourself.
Any health advice issued by this site is not a substitute for medical treatment or diagnosis by a doctor. Recipes that suggest the ingestion of essential oils should be approached with caution. While essential oils are very beneficial when used topically or for their aromas, ingestion is typically not recommended. Life with Jan does not sell or promote the use of essential oils for consumption.
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